Calming Your Inner Critic

Feb 3

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Ready to build the business of your dreams? And how about that pesky little voice in your head. Is it ready? Does it cheer you on…or does it sabotage you? Stall your progress? Have you questioning your worth? Learn three tips for calming your inner critic so you can stop playing small and start taking massive action toward the business of your dreams.

Julie Nelson helps women break free from overwhelm, perfectionism, and self-doubt so they can reach new levels of alignment and fulfillment in their personal and professional lives. She teaches them how to master their mindset, learn to trust themselves, and cultivate the confidence to show up for what they really want.

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The episode:

Katrina Widener: Hello everyone. This is Katrina. And today I am here with my soul sister, Julie Nelson from Julie Nelson Coaching. Julie and I met a year and a half ago-ish in a mastermind that we were both in and she has become an amazing friend since then. And has not only participated in group coaching, but also has come back as an expert. So thank you so much, Julie, for coming and talking to us today.

Julie Nelson: Thank you so much Katrina, as you're one of my favorite people and being a part of your group coaching and also being able to be an expert and talk to your participants was absolutely amazing.

Katrina Widener: So Julie is a coach herself and she works with a lot of ambitious women and particularly moms to break free from overwhelm perfectionism and self doubt. Julie, I don't know if you want to tell everybody a little bit more about what you do and why you do it.

Julie Nelson: Yeah. So for me, my passion to start coaching really came from my own struggles with perfectionism, self-doubt, and feeling overwhelmed. And personally, for me, I saw that increase when I had kids. And I got to a point where I felt like is this it? I had the amazing life. I had the wonderful husband and kids. On paper, everything looked great, but I just didn't feel great myself. And so I realized it was really a great opportunity to start looking at how I was living. I wanted to reach new levels of fulfillment and success in my personal and professional life and have been able to do that by digging in and doing the inner work. And that's what I help other women do now, too. For me, it's really about helping women master their mindset. Learn how to deeply trust themselves and cultivate the confidence they need to show up in the world the way they want to and feel the way they want to, which is so important in the work that I do.

Katrina Widener: That's one of those things that's really interesting cause I feel so many people are living and being like exactly what you were saying. Like, "This can't be everything. There has to be more." Or maybe even more so "I want to *feel* more". Maybe less of I want more, but I want to feel more. I want to feel better. I want to feel happier in with what I have, or I want to feel more peace or I want to feel more satisfaction or whatever it could be. And that's why the work that you do is so important. And I love listening to you talk and listening to you come to group coaching and everything so much.

One of the questions that I wanted to ask you is what advice would you give people listening to this who want to get started changing their lives and feeling that way already, whether they're business owners or not?

Julie Nelson: Yeah. I think the main advice that I would give them -- and we've had many conversations on this together -- is to start turning inward. You know, our society and so much that we have focused on a lot of us up to this point is our external world. "Doing" and what we have around us. And we know, like I mentioned that's where I thought the block was. I had all these great things, but I wasn't feeling great on the inside. So my advice would be to start slowing down and really taking the time to go inward and looking at what is happening inside of you, how we are feeling whether or not you're feeling in alignment with the things you are doing.

Start becoming aware of why you are doing the things you're doing. Are you doing it for yourself? Are you doing it because we think you should be doing it? Because the first step on any journey has always that awareness and with awareness, I always tell people think of it as just being curious about what's going on in your life.

And when we slow down and start being curious without judging it, because through judgment, nothing will ever change, but just being curious of why we are doing what we're doing, why we have the current experience in our lives that we do allows us to start opening that window to creating new change.

Katrina Widener: I think exactly what you're talking about, that going inward and looking at your own life is so important. I know that it's one of the tools that I personally use -- and I know you use a lot -- to really help myself grow and become more self aware because I can't change the things that aren't working. If I don't know what those things are but one of the things that we've even talked about outside of this podcast recently is just sometimes it's super scary to go inward and it brings up these feelings of, I don't even know if I want to look at these things because then I'm going to have to actually do something about them or I'm going to have to recognize that maybe I'm not as happy as I thought I was, or I'm maybe even the one contributing to my levels of fulfillment. Maybe we won't even say happiness cause you don't need to be happy 24/7, but more so feeling at peace possibly, or feeling successful or feeling satisfied, some of these other emotions that come up.

So what additional advice would you provide to people who are like, "I want to do this work, but it is terrifying or it makes me really uncomfortable"?

Julie Nelson: Yeah, I think it is starting to first, as I mentioned, trying to stay clear of that judgment because everything we've done up to this point, we've done it because it's behaviors we have wired or have started using because they've given us some level of protection in the world.

We do what we do because our mind, our body's, number one thing that it's worried about is survival. It wants us to be safe. So for me, just like personally, I use perfectionism to stay safe growing up. When I didn't feel like I was good enough, I thought if I could perfect something, if I could show up perfectly, then no one would criticize me, ridicule me, or they won't reject me.

I use that as my mask, as my armor going through a lot of my life. So when I started getting real curious and aware of when my perfectionist tendencies started coming out. I made sure that I really dropped into self-compassion whenever I noticed myself doing it, because I kept on going back and thinking about myself as a little girl, because a lot of these behaviors that's when we start bringing them into our lives -- when we're young. Between the ages of zero and eight, a lot of these patterns in our lives, these habits are acquired. So I kept on seeing myself as just this little girl who was trying to figure out a way to survive in the world and to create a sense of belonging and to be lovable in the world because that's what I needed to thrive at that time. I didn't know any better.

So I find self-compassion, whenever we're starting down this road, self-compassion is required to allow us to feel like we can go there and really step into some of those dark corners in our life, in our past, and just meet them with love, meet our little ones with love, because again, it's just is how we survive in this world.

Katrina Widener: That's so beautiful, honestly, because I think that oftentimes we are not taught to be self-compassionate. We're taught to have compassion for other people. And then we're taught to expect the best from ourselves or to push really hard or to take action to solve our problems. When in reality, like those things sometimes can work. If you think about in business, if you contact 800 people, you're probably going to get someone who's going to say yes. But is that how you want to spend your time? And so that's actually the perfect transition into kind of the meat of what we're going to be talking about, which is coming up against and managing your inner critic and really calming that voice inside of you that maybe isn't as self compassionate as we would like to. Julie, if you want to tell me a little bit more about how to calm your inner critic or how to manage that voice inside your head.

Julie Nelson: Yeah, I think we need to start first by saying everyone has an inner critic and the inner critic isn't necessarily bad. We just all have it. And some of us, our inner critic is louder than others, depending on the experiences that we have had in our lives. The inner critic is that pesky little voice in our head that oftentimes can ruin our day or throw us off track and really have us disconnect from our goals because it's going to be the nagging voice saying.

"Really do you think you can show up today? Who are you to advise people how to run their business, or who are you to do this?" Inner critic is the CEO and representative of all the parts of you that are scared. All the parts of you that have been wounded by past hurts, failures, and disappointments.

So like I said, connect this back to my perfectionism that I was just talking about. Perfectionism is one of the tools that my inner critic uses when it feels like I am stepping outside my comfort zone. So the inner critic is there to help keep you safe and to keep you in your comfort zone, whenever you are doing something new -- and so many business owners need to do something new all the time.

As soon as you start venturing out of your comfort zone into the unfamiliar, the inner critic is going to start talking to you and saying all the things that are going to trigger you to try to get you to sit back down. The inner critic wants you to stay small and safe and in your comfort zone, it doesn't care if you're thriving, it doesn't care if you have the success you want, if you are safe, then it's like, "We are winning. We are doing our jobs." Know too that sometimes the inner critic can actually mimic the voices of important people from your upbringing who could have been very critical of you. This might've been parents, it might've been teachers. It might've been siblings or important people in your life. So now when you're hearing that inner critic, that's, when again, you can get curious and be like, where is this voice coming from? Where have I heard this in my life? And again, it's not to judge or blame. It's to understand the inner critic because the awareness around when it is happening -- that's when you can start shifting and managing the inner critic. So I have three steps to help you start managing your inner critic when this inner critic comes and it's loud, and it's trying to get you to stay in place and not move forward.

So the first step that you're going to want to take is, like I mentioned, is to notice when your inner critic is throwing mud at you. As we mentioned, noticing is always the first step. That awareness is the first step for changing anything. But remember we're not necessary changing the thoughts that your mind is presenting you with in the first place. But we are changing how you respond to those thoughts. Notice what your mind is saying without judgment. So the noticing is so important.

So the next step I want to offer to you is to acknowledge your inner critic. Your inner critic does not like to be ignored. It's just going to get louder and meaner. If you tried to ignore it, instead you can recognize it, acknowledge and to say, wow, there you are. I know why you're there. You're scared for me. You don't want me to change because you want me to stay safe.

So getting angry at it and like putting forceful, angry energy towards the inner critic is not going to actually help you. Instead, I advise you take a minute to just slow down. Breathing is one of the best ways that you can start to calm in your system and have a moment to acknowledge your inner critic.

To just say again, "I know why you're here. It's okay." Giving yourself a little bit of that self compassion in the moment.

Katrina Widener: I think that's so important, too because like for me -- and Julie and I've talked about this outside of the podcast beforehand -- my inner critic shows up less as a voice inside my head. I don't necessarily think in an inner dialogue or an inner narration. I get waves of emotions or I get visuals more often. For me, it would more so come up as a feeling of shame, a feeling of guilt, feeling of anxiety maybe sometimes. And that is just as valid. It just is a completely different way for the inner critic to show up.

And for me, the way for you it's perfectionism, for me it's more so like staying smaller, staying quiet. And so when I meet that with another of really strong emotion -- so if I'm meeting like a feeling of shame with a feeling of anger -- that's an emotional roller coaster, and that is not something I necessarily want to create for myself because then my emotional wellbeing can kind of tank. And if I instead feel this feeling of shame or embarrassment or guilt or whatever it comes up as, and I meet that from a place of curiosity of what you were saying earlier, and I'm like, "Where is this stemming from? Why is this happening?"

Because it's not as clear cut as "You're not worthy of this. You are not a good enough teacher. You're not et cetera, et cetera". It more so was just a feeling of like anxiety. And I get curious about where that's coming from and I can ask myself questions about, is it from this? Is it from that? That's when I can get a little bit more clear by keeping it a safe space for myself and my inner critic. It allows my emotions to stay more manageable as opposed to this, huge wave or huge rollercoaster of emotions, which just is not fun whatsoever.

Julie Nelson: I love that so much because if we go a level deeper than the inner critic is there because under the inner critic is fear. It's all fear. Inner critic is driven by fear and there's this idea that "I'll show you how to become fearless." No human being can become fearless. Let's not create that expectation that we can become fearless in the world because we can't. It's a biological, like reaction to have fear come up and we need it because there are situations in our life where something's dangerous and we need to be able to respond to that. But for so many of us, fear is coming up in the modern world and the modern lives, when it truly is not a danger, it's just we're feeling fear. So instead of thinking that you have to become fearless, what you need to do instead is learn how I like to say dance with your fear.

The fear is there. Realize that the inner critic is there and then learn how to still go and do the thing that you want to do. So for you, the fact that you are realizing these patterns in your life, the way the inner critic is showing up for you personally, is so powerful. And so then once you start recognizing these patterns, this is the next beautiful step.

And the third step in managing your critic is to allow those thoughts to play in the background, because those thoughts are always going to be there. Our mind produces 60,000+ thoughts a day. So to absolutely control your thoughts is again, something that's false because we can't control all of that.

So we have way too many thoughts, but we can start becoming more conscious. And just more allowing of the thoughts to move by without attaching to them. So when you hear that inner critic start to roar a little bit, in however it does personally for you, allow those thoughts to just start playing in the background, move through, and still go do the thing you want to do.

And that's always the hardest step is to take that action. When you are fearing, you're feeling a little bit of fear, is to still go and do the thing. So Katrina, if it's okay. I just want to round out those three steps again so everyone knows exactly what they are. So number one is notice when your inner critic is throwing mud at you, notice when it starts chiming in, and what's going to happen over time is you're going to realize there's certain activities where your inner critic is going to be more vocal than others.

Step two is to acknowledge your inner critic for doing its job, acknowledging it and at the same time, as I'm acknowledging my inner critic, I like to create safety in my body by also breathing and creating that deep safety in my system.

And then step number three is allow those thoughts to play in the background without attaching to them, without believing the narrative or the story that is going on in your mind. And what is even more powerful is if you need to shift that narrative, shift that story, tell yourself a new story that will allow you to take the action that you want to take in that moment. And so the inner critic is always going to be there with you, but you can change the relationship with your inner critic and you can help manage the inner critic in the moments that you need to do something new, to move yourself forward, closer to the results that you want in your business and life.

Katrina Widener: It reminds me of this saying, I don't even know where it came from, but the saying that I've heard a lot, that's like your first thought is your conditioning. And then your second thought is your actual inner voice. So if we think about that in terms of the inner critic and your first thought is maybe just "Oh my gosh, nobody wants to hear what I have to say." And then your second thought is, "Actually, I have a lot of good insights. I should be able to speak up." And one of them is your conditioning. And maybe like you were saying earlier, that conditioning came from an important figure of your life, or you were bullied as a child, or you've had some traumas in your life that have made you believe that about yourself, but you want to really be able to tap into that second thought and you want to be able to be intentional about that second thought.

And this is where going inward is so important because if you start to see these patterns or if you start to become more self-aware, do that inner work. And you realize where that first thought happens normally, and it comes up time and time again, you can be like, okay, I can sit down and craft a response to it. And then even if at first you don't believe it, over time it becomes truth to you. It becomes a belief to you. And that could be like, nobody wants to hear what I have to say. And maybe the first time you respond to that and say, actually, no, what I have to say is valuable information. Maybe the first time you're like, ah, that felt really uncomfortable to say out loud or to stay in my head. But as time it gets more and more comfortable, which is exactly what you're talking about. It's stepping out of the fear zone even when you've been living in it for however long. But I guess the question is would you rather stay in the fear zone for longer? Yes. Or would you rather make that change?

Julie Nelson: Wow. Yeah, that's such a process. You're becoming so conscious when you do that, like you said, your conditioning, the first thought that you get, is just that automatic response that is coming from your subconscious mind and years of living. But by being more aware, by being more conscious, we can choose that second thought and that thought needs to be connected to a vision that is pulling us forward. When we have that vision in place it is then the driver that each time we get to like, it's like a crossroads for us each time. Which way am I going to go? Am I going towards the vision? Or am I going to stay with my conditioning that is going to give me more of my current results.

Katrina Widener: Exactly. Exactly. Thank you so much, Julie. I think I say this on literally every single podcast, but I'm like, I could keep talking about this for another two hours and I could partially just because I could keep talking for two hours especially with you. Every single call we have booked up for an hour and then it's like two hours later: "I probably have to go." But also, I just think that it's so important to learn about your own mind and learn about your own patterns and a lot of people don't really necessarily take that time to do that. So thank you for giving people some guidance and some steps that they can walk away with and really know how to manage this in the future.

Julie Nelson: Thank you so much for having me Katrina. It was an absolute pleasure.